so many years spent saving up grief to spill it all on the anniversaries-
her birthday, her last terrible day in June.
the Dhamma helped tremendously in bringing me to recognize that I wasn’t saving her that way, wasn’t relieving any terror she might have felt,
wasn’t changing a thing about what went on while she was alive
but just making myself ill in the here and now.
some moments of grief are unavoidable, and they come over me with no premeditation; I miss her spontaneously and completely; it is potent without being saved or concentrated; it just is, so I learned that I don’t have to prove anything to myself about what she means to me by falling apart on significant dates-the depth of feeling is always there. what I can do instead is take care of this living thing I call myself (the extension of her that I always have access to) and keep her in my heart. that is plenty, and anyway it’s all I can do.
an invasion of carpenter ants
The Patty Duke Show & Dobie Gillis on Nick at Nite
endless bike rides
a social freedom never felt during the school year
(in summer, a person could be new)
occasional crushes and day boyfriends
sleepovers, nights becoming part of other families-
finding foreign routine and fitting inside it.
Laura Mvula - Can’t Live With the World
"I’ll stay here, I’ll hold you ‘til morning…I’ll hold you tight…"
my own life feels like a lot of responsibility. who is trusting me with it and what makes them sure I won’t run this thing into the ground?
Little Dragon dayyyy.